


where are you? (and i'm so sorry)

by rlwrites



Series: with your hand full of wildflowers on the road to hell [3]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: F/M, bellamy thinks about clarke a lot in the three months she's gone, bellarkeweek16, it's nothing too hardcore but it's a little grisly so just in case that bothers anyone, so when he finally sees her again he's fucked, the rating is for the descriptions of violence and gore
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-21
Updated: 2016-10-21
Packaged: 2018-08-23 20:54:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 633
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8342350
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rlwrites/pseuds/rlwrites
Summary: He knows that she is in the back of his head every other second of the day and so when he sees the familiar flash of blonde through his viewfinder that day in the field, he knows there is nothing that will stop him from getting to her and bringing her home.





	

**Author's Note:**

> For Bellarke Week 2016  
> Day #3: A scene that that floored you/crippled you emotionally
> 
> Title from I Miss You by Blink-182

Bellamy Blake knows a lot of things that no normal person should ever need to know. 

He knows exactly how fast the life leaves someone's eyes when they're released into space. He knows how it feels to be responsible for people and he knows how crippling the guilt of letting those people down can be. He knows the sickening sound of bullets tearing through human flesh. He knows how it feels to be hanging upside down from his ankles as his life slowly seeps out of him. He knows what radiation burned flesh smells like, how fast it makes his stomach roil. 

So Bellamy Blake knows that when there are good things in his life, he cannot take them for granted. Chances are they will not be there for very much longer. 

That is why it is surprising that Clarke leaving hurt him so much. 

He did exactly what he knew he could not do. He took her presence for granted. Even when they lost each other after the first grounder battle, even after she left to see the Commander, for some reason Bellamy always expected her back. 

He should have known when she hugged him with ominous finality outside the gates of Arkadia. He should have known when she pressed a kiss to his cheek and whispered the farewell of their people. He definitely should have known when she disappeared into the forest, but it doesn't hit him until a week later when he turns to tell her something and she's not there. 

Bellamy Blake knows what Clarke looks like when she's annoyed at him. He knows the way her forehead creases when she's about to say something he's not going to like. He knows what her smile looks like in the warm light of a bonfire. He knows how soft her hair feels against his cheek and how she often smells like pine. 

He knows that in the three months she's gone, the only time he fully forgets her is when he has three too many drinks at the bar, or when he's worked himself so hard he passes out in his bunk before he can even take his boots off, or when he's wrapped up and out of his mind in Gina's arms. 

He knows that she is in the back of his head every other second of the day and so when he sees the familiar flash of blonde through his viewfinder that day in the field, he _knows_ there is nothing that will stop him from getting to her and bringing her home. 

He knows it's foolish to steal grounder gear and march right through an army of enemies. He knows it's stupid to rush into any situation without checking if it's secure but she is _right there_ , and she is tied up and gagged and dirty and exhausted, but he's never seen anything better in his entire life. 

He knows now how it sounds when Clarke is begging for his life, how her voice is desperate and ripping out of her chest. He knows what it feels like to be lying helpless at her feet, losing the battle against unconsciousness.

He knows how the stinging pain of the bleeding knife wound in his leg pales in comparison to the thought of coming so close only to lose her again. 

He _can't lose her_. He can't, he can't. 

The fatigue and the pain hits his body all at once and it has him doubling over against a tree. He's lost her again and there's nothing he can do about unless he wants to bleed out in that damn forest. 

The knowledge that she's gone again is debilitating and he doesn't know how much more he can take— _how much more is life going to force him to take?_

**Author's Note:**

> I'm complete Bellamy garbage, so naturally I'm disastrously curious about how he dealt with her absence in between seasons 2&3\. And by now I think we've established that I'm also fairly weak for Bellamy angst so...here you go.
> 
> Kudos/Comments are the best, also if you would like you can come talk to me on tumblr here: [@braverybros](http://braverybros.tumblr.com/)
> 
> Thanks for reading!


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